joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
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My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option