Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
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It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”