Goat cheese is for herders.
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Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Bro what is this
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party