*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
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I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
good work, everybody
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.