Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.