I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.