People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
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SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
For those that worship cheese..
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.