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Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.