The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.