I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
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Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Note to self: always read the final line
Kidney stones? Hard pass
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.