A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
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Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
*puts words between two asterisks*
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Trumpy Cat
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*