7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
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On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
no such thing as a dumb question
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough