Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
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Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Your secret is safeish with me
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.