Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
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Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess