My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
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If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.