No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME