How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.