There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
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I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.