Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
You Might Also Like
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
How long do you have to wait between naps?
my mind
You just read my mind
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.