you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
You Might Also Like
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.