My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
You Might Also Like
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
can you read it!!??
maan!
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities