Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I already tried new things thanks.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.