I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}