Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks