[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
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Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
*gets down on one knee*
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
this could fix me
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.