THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
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tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
(more comics:
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
“What?”
– Jude
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.