[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
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i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.