I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
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Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
🤯🤯🤯
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually