My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
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Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
me before I type out affect or effect
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share