If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
every college guy’s fridge
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now