Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
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Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
sugar glider wrangler
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
never compromise your values
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest