Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”