yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
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I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied