Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
You Might Also Like
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*