For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.