Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
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My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.