6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
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Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”