If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
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“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
23. the denim jacket
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.