At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
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WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?