Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
You Might Also Like
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
*pokes sex life with a stick
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!