Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
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Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”