Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
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ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
channeling her this year
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
so this horse walks into a bar
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.