[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.