[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.