There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
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baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”