5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
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My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.