8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Personal question. #JustSaying
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]