I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife