Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I am also baked goods
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.