I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
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Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!